In a world of hurt

Women are complicated creatures. I can testify to this because I am a woman. We have emotional highs and lows and everything in between in one day. We get angry, laugh, and cry in a matter of a few hours. We think too deeply about things and can easily be carried away. But the one thing I hate about being a woman is having today’s culture push us into thinking that we have to be, look, and act perfect.

I struggle with my body image every single day. I struggle with feeling like I’ve eaten too much and then skipping the next meal to “make up for it.” I struggle with comparing myself to other girls and wishing that my hair would lay perfectly or that my skin tone was just a little darker.

But tonight I was put to shock and awe by a close friend who struggles with her self image more than I ever will. My heart breaks for her because our culture and Satan have convinced her that she is fat, ugly, and unworthy. I cannot count the times tonight that she said she wished she looked more like me, that she was as skinny as me. Reality is, she’s almost exactly my size. She ate a Twizzler tonight and then proceeded to beat herself up over it because she has an eating disorder and believes that one Twizzler is going to make her gain 5 pounds. My heart aches for her to experience freedom from this eating disorder, to experience true freedom in Christ.

She is so beautiful though. She’s got a funny quirky personality, she’s the sweetest thing and the first to throw a compliment at someone. She’s been believing the lie that beauty is on the outside instead of on the inside. And I hate that. I wish she, and every other girl out there who is struggling, could see just how beautiful she really is. How much worth she really has. Christ thought enough of us to die on the cross for us. That cannot be taken lightly.

To all of you beautiful girls out there who struggle, whether it be mild or extreme, I want you to know that you are loved more than you can imagine, cared for more than you can comprehend, and desired by God more than you can fathom.


Getting Ready for Summer

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been making some difficult decisions. One of those being whether or not I would stay at my church. I really wasn’t growing there anymore and felt drained when I left. I was also difficult to see Jacob each week and it wasn’t helping me to heal at all. I decided to leave and go back to my old church, which I am super happy and excited about. I’m also going to try to get my parents to go as well! That’s been the biggest thing.

Next to that I met someone and with God’s guidance was able to tell him that I am not in a place to be in a relationship right now. Let me tell you, being honest and up front like that is SO liberating. And that’s a big deal for me because I’ve always had a difficult time speaking up about what I’m thinking and what I know is right.

Another awesome thing that happened is that I got the chance to share my testimony with my girls Bible study I go to each week. It was a little crazy and overwhelming. Each week there have only been a handful of us there. BUT this week 15 girls decided to show up out of nowhere. I was in shock! I was expecting to share with girls that I had really been getting to know and building relationships with, and I got to share with them and a bunch of girls I had never even met before! The most humbling part of it was that almost every girl approached me afterward to say thank you for sharing. It’s really just amazing what God does every day.

In the midst of all of this I have been freaking out a little bit about getting ready for summer. I’ve got several travel plans that I want to save up for, a class I need to take, and will be working two jobs. It’s a lot to get my mind around. It just feels like so much to think about. I’m trying to get myself organized and I feel like I’m failing terribly at it. On the plus side, I did get all of my homework done for the night!

Wishful Wednesday

I just want to start off with a word of thanks to my family, roommates, friends, coworkers, and God. I have felt so loved and blessed by all of you every day and I see God using every single one of you in my life. Words cannot describe the love I feel. God is moving in my heart and in my life and I see evidence of Him everywhere I look. I feel so at peace and just surrounded by His presence. Just amazing. He is healing my heart day by day. I am realizing that this season of my life is a gift and that I should be using it to bring Him praise. I am just excited for what is going to be coming next.

I lift my eyes up to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will not slumber nor sleep.

Psalm 121:1-4

This psalm has become one of my favorites, simply because it reminds me that my God is constantly watching over me and that I do not have to be afraid. Such a sweet sweet reminder.

Mellow Monday

Dear Monday, thanks for taking it easy on me. And thanks for letting me get a little nap in after tutoring this morning. Dear Self, you really need to get your stuff together and get your lesson plans done. Seriously. Dear God, I haven’t spent any time with you today..and I definitely think that’s why I’ve been in kind of a sour mood. Lets go hang out!

Back on the Radar

Dear Self, I’m so glad that you decided to take a vacation, even if it cost a lot of money and you had to buy new tires. You needed it and it definitely did you a lot of good. Dear God, You showed up this week. At the concert, at home, at church… I felt Your presence more this past week than I have in a while. Dear Alyssa, thank you so much for letting me come home with you! It was amazing. Dear Work, you kinda sucked this week. BUT we got to order Chili’s take out AND all of us girls that were left working got to have some good bonding time, which was great. Dear Heart, I am trying very hard to keep you guarded. You got a little thrown off this week, but prayer has gotten you through. Dear Emily, I’m so happy that I got to see you last night and that we got to do a little late birthday celebrating. Dancing and music and laughter was just what I needed. And thank you to all of my wonderful dance partners! Y’all were awesome! Dear Monday, treat me well. I’m really not at all prepared for you and it’d be great if you could just take it easy tomorrow. K? Thanks.

I’ve been a little AWOL lately

Life has been throwing me a couple of curve balls, but God is reminding me of who I am in Him. He used my roommate to tell me something really hard and I wouldn’t have seen the truth in it from anyone else. He is continuing to clean out my heart and has provided me the opportunity to get away from the city for a weekend and do some healing. So, I will disappear again tomorrow and hopefully will have some great stories when I come back.

Finally Friday

I know that it’s not quite Friday yet, but I thought the title was catchy. This week has been rough for several reasons. I am still in recovery from the breakup, and am realizing several emotional issues that I have. I actually had to step down at church and stop volunteering with the youth because I was doing more harm than good for them because I couldn’t make myself smile or interact with the students. I have been having a couple of little health problems, nothing major, just small things that are slowing me down a bit. I am in the beginning stages of starting a weeklong detox to clean out my body from all the unhealthy food I’ve been eating. And God has been revealing a lot of the state of my heart to me, and convicting me of several things that need to change. It hurts to be cleaned out by God, it’s a good pain because I know He is making me into the person He needs me to be, but it’s still difficult. The psalm that keeps coming to my mind is Psalm 51 which repeats the phrase “Create in me a clean heart, O God.” My heart is dirty and messed up, sometimes I let me tongue slip and things come out of my mouth that I don’t really mean. Or I get mad at one of my roommates because they didn’t clean up their dishes, and I let the anger eat away at me, over something so small. I’ve realized that I am a glutton when it comes to sweets, and I over-indulge on them, which isn’t healthy. I even realized that sometimes I will be thinking about having a cookie while I’m driving; my thoughts are trapped by it, and it’s a sin because it distracts me from God. All these little things piled together are honestly a little overwhelming for me to handle, and I think that its added to my stress a bit for this week.

In other news, we’re having an office party at a girl’s apartment tomorrow night after work and I made the delicious cookie oreo brownie cake thing again. You can see a picture of that here:¬†

It was a hit at work and with all of our neighbors, half of it was gone the night we made it because people kept calling us and asking for some. So for a night we had a little delivery service and took it around to our friends houses. Quite fun actually.

Anyways, this post is just a humdrum of all my thoughts that are swirling through my head at the moment. I just need to go to bed, which is what is about to happen!

Goodnight world…